The essence of being truly Kenyan.

I am Kenyan. A proud Kenyan! Being Kenyan is like a profession, a real profession like being a journalist as I am, a doctor, an architect, think of any profession. Kenyan’s like any profession have a code of conduct- a distinct way of doing their things. Let me give you some.

Kenyans will always demand more than they’ve paid for. I way enjoying my lunch in a café in Westlands just the other day when some guy entered and quietly as if seeking solitude, secured a table in the far end of the café. I won’t lie, I was having some Chapati and Ndengu because my pocket was suffering from starvation- it was a bad time of the month.

After some time the guy calls the waiter who happened to be a lady, so a waitress she was- I know English. I couldn’t exactly figure out what he was trying to order but with the look of things, he severally tried to order foods that weren’t being offered in the café like githeri, mukimo or managu. 

Finally he settled for chapati and beans, a good choice if you ask me. When the food was finally brought, as if trying to trace a uncooked bean, he for some time stared at the bean stew.

All of a sudden wearing a dull face, he calls the waitress. “Na hiyo soup niaje, hii mbosho imekauka sana bwana?” “Hi. Can I have some soup this stew is too dry!,” he told the waitress. Everyone in the café at the moment turned to look at the young man, some as if complementing him for good work well done. Shortly after, he asks for a glass of water, a saviet and a toothpick. A typical Kenyan!

Another day on a weekend am boarding this minibus from town to Karen and this passenger comes on board. As you would expect as the norm, or should I say as you always do because that’s what most of us do, I included of course, the guy enquired the fare on the ground before boarding. 

They agreed a given amount with the tout and he boarded. The conductor comes over to collect fare, his dues, and this guy wants to pay incredibly less than earlier agreed. A quarrel ensues. At the end, he pays. A Kenyan.

In Nairobi, Fares are hiked on weekdays and very low on weekends. The question I always have for the matatu operators is, ‘Are their vehicles seasoned to consume more fuels during the week and less during weekends because the whole idea is illogical?’ Surely, I can reinforce the late Tanzanian president Julius Kabarage Nyerere’s remark that Kenya is a man eat man society. Kenyans will always milk a cow till it dries dead.

Have you ever realized that in Kenya, one can never consider him or herself proficient in any given language? In Kenya somebody can talk to you in a language you very well know and fail to grasp anything from whatever he or she is trying to say! I remember back in my primary school days, there was this teacher who used to bombard us with confusing English.

I recall one day him instructing a classmate of mine to ‘fall on the ground with his public opinion pivoting him, his two walking parts parallel to the landscape and his sitting pair of humps erect ready to get pain stimulation to trigger his good behavior!’ 

I recall going through almost every single book in the school to try and understand what he meant by that. My unlucky friend had to get several slaps for not getting what he was being told before he was later told it meant to lie on the ground face down. Kenyans.

©paulmusyokah2012